Part Two: The Friendships We Choose to Keep
Distance, old friendships, new routines and the choices that keep people in our lives.
I wrote in Part One of this series about two friendships that changed how I think about connection in this stage of life. One developed through intention, while the other helped carry me through something difficult. Writing about those friendships made me look more closely at the people who have been part of our lives for years, and what it now takes to keep them there.
Friendships used to happen on their own
Friendships took care of themselves for much of our adult lives. Work kept us around people five days a week, children brought us together on sidelines and in school hallways, church gave us familiar faces to see each week, and neighbors were often only a driveway or a front porch away. We didn’t always have to make arrangements to spend time together. Much of it happened because we were already in the same place, doing the same things.
Retirement changes that structure, and moving away changes it even more. Many of the people who know us best are now hundreds of miles from where we live. The easy opportunities to meet for lunch, stop by for coffee or help a friend through a difficult afternoon are gone. We can still call and FaceTime, but I can’t put on a pot of coffee or show up with dinner when someone needs a little help. Being present in someone’s life takes a different kind of effort when we no longer live nearby.
Keeping long distance friendships in retirement
Keeping the friendships we already had has required us to think differently about what staying connected looks like. I’ve found that what works for one friendship doesn’t always work for another.
We have dear friends who moved from Minnesota to Florida around the time we moved to Illinois. Earlier this year, we reconnected after considerable time apart. Our conversation flowed easily all day and through the evening. Before we parted, Jim prayed a blessing over us, as he often did when we all lived close to each other. They are not yet retired, and their children, grandchildren, church and community fill their calendar. We may not see one another as much as we would like, but that visit reminded me that infrequent contact doesn’t always mean a friendship has weakened. There are people with whom the affection and familiarity remain, even when years and miles separate us.
Michael has rekindled friendships with three college friends. All four of them were close in those years, but then lived separate lives for decades with very little contact. Those friendships went on pause while careers and families filled the years between college and retirement. They are now retired, which has given them room to reconnect. Phone calls and texts keep them in touch, and retirement has made time for Michael and one of them to take an annual two week motorcycle trip.
A couple we met through Michael’s work both retired this past summer and are spending eighteen months traveling the Great Loop by boat. Their route starts in Chicago, runs down to the Gulf of Mexico, up the East Coast and through the Great Lakes before returning home. We follow their travels, exchange messages and look forward to visiting them in Florida for a few days this winter. The job that first brought us together is behind us now, and their life on the Loop has changed when and how we can see each other. Following their journey and planning that visit keeps us connected for now.
One of our closest friendships has found an entirely different way to continue. We began playing Euchre with friends over FaceTime every Friday evening during Covid. Our weekly game has outlasted sourdough starters and Zoom cocktail hours. We have seen each other in person only a handful of times, but those Friday evenings, along with messages and pictures exchanged throughout the week, have kept the friendship current and growing.
Keeping Friends With Differing Views
Some of our friends have views that differ sharply from our own, and those differences find their way into conversations more often than we would like. Michael and I let more go by without an answer than we used to. We don’t pretend to agree, and sometimes Michael simply changes the subject. We’ve found that skipping certain discussions leaves more room for the things we enjoy about one another. Knowing we can be together without any of us being on the defensive creates a warmer environment.
In these situations, we are able to maintain the friendships without asking each other to change what we believe. We now consider whether every difference needs to become a discussion.
Friendships that change or end
Not every friendship adjusts so easily. We had one where personal differences grew into a bigger issue than we could keep carrying. It came to a natural end when the energy and effort outweighed the enjoyment. We appreciate the time we had with them, and our affection for them hasn’t changed. Other friendships depended on whatever first brought us together, and they faded when that changed.
This has been harder for me to accept than I would like to admit. Loyalty has long mattered a great deal to me. I’ve often understood it to mean that once I commit to a relationship, I stay, even when the friendship no longer has the same place in my life.
Some endings leave me sad because I miss the person or what we once shared. Some leave me feeling guilty, wondering whether I have disappointed someone or should have tried harder. A few leave me relieved, and then guilty about the relief. Often those feelings arrive together. My fondness for a person doesn’t always end when a friendship does, and an ending doesn’t erase what was good, what I learned or the difference that person made in my life.
Michael and I handle silence differently
Michael and I approach these changes differently. He can go weeks or even months without contacting someone, and he doesn’t assume anything is wrong. He figures people are busy living their lives. I’m more inclined to wonder whether the friendship is changing, whether I should call or whether I’ve somehow disappointed someone. I notice the absence and begin questioning what it means. Michael generally assumes the friendship is still there.
I’ve noticed Michael reaching out more often since he retired. He has the time now to recognize some of those absences, and he makes an effort to reconnect. But he still doesn’t carry the same concern I do when contact becomes infrequent. Watching him has made me wonder how many silences I’ve taken personally when the other person was just busy. We won’t turn into the same person after all these years, but I am beginning to appreciate that some friendships need regular attention while others seem capable of resting quietly until circumstances bring us together again.
In this season of retirement, we get to choose how we spend our days, and we have filled them with travel, family and the interests we had put aside. Every yes leaves less room for someone or something else. I would keep everyone I have loved if I could, but I can’t give every friendship the attention I want to give it or that it requires.
I’m still working through what that means for me. Loyalty remains important, but I am becoming more comfortable with the possibility that a friendship can change, or even come to its natural end, without losing the affection and gratitude I have for the person who shared that part of my life.
